Saying no without feeling guilty

Juggling the delicate balance of inner wellbeing and outer beauty has never been more challenging as a new mum over 40. With a constant influx of well-intentioned advice flooding every corner of the internet, the pressure to feel grateful for everything, be myself, and exude the confidence of a peacock is actually overwhelming – and would you believe, it’s only January!

I get it. But the struggle to be perfect is real and also unrealistic. For me, self-care is synonymous with discipline. It translates into completing the things I start and taking a moment of reflection before embarking on something else, contemplating the financial, time, and energy implications, as well as considering the potential negative impact on others if I don’t follow through.

Setting boundaries on screen time

In a world buzzing with constant notifications and digital noise, I’ve found solace in unplugging lately from Facebook. Intentionally scheduling ‘Do-Nothing’ days, where my phone is off, alarms are silenced, and plans are non-existent, has been a game-changer. It’s been like giving myself permission to be without any obligations or pre-planning, allowing natural rejuvenation to take its course.

Self-care for me involves setting boundaries on screen time and moderating the amount of sugar I consume. It means instilling independence in Little C, opting for teaching over doing for him, even when the latter seems easier and causes less friction. It also entails enforcing consequences I set for him, even if it means temporary difficulty for me.

“Waking up consistently, with morning pages, coffee, and peaceful moments after the school run, is non-negotiable for my self-care.”

Daily downtime rituals

Whether it’s a few minutes of quiet time, a solitary walk in nature, or just losing myself in a journal, these rituals create a comforting space within me. A place to recharge despite the hustle and bustle of family life.

Honour promises

Self-care involves honouring commitments and being meticulous about the promises I make. It means adhering to my word, even when it’s challenging. Saying no to myself more often than yes, questioning whether my future self will appreciate my actions, and genuinely listening when the answer is, “No, your future self won’t appreciate this.”

Intentionally setting boundaries, not to distance myself from others but to protect my time and energy, has been liberating. It’s about confidently choosing what brings me happiness, embracing the ‘joy of missing out’ (JOMO), and letting go of the fear of missing out (FOMO).

Protective free time

Being protective of my free time doesn’t mean turning down every invitation. It means silencing my phone until breakfast, carving out that sacred hour daily in my calendar for me-time, and ensuring undisturbed focus. Prioritising what’s necessary over what’s enjoyable. Self-care aligns with discipline because that’s what feels uncomfortable, but pushing against those patterns instigates change.

The ‘joy of missing out’ has become a mantra. If staying in for a cosy night brings me more joy than a social event, I make that decision. JOMO allows me to follow my routine, snooze when I want, and enjoy extra cuddles at story time with Little C, all while saving a bit of cash.

Time management for self-care

Balancing the demands of motherhood while finding time for yourself can feel impossible. Carving out moments of self-care isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. Here are practical strategies to prioritise wellbeing even amidst a hectic schedule.

1. Prioritise and Plan Your Day

Make a list of non-negotiable tasks and those that can be delegated or postponed. Prioritising what truly matters helps you find pockets of time for yourself. Use a daily planner or simple to-do list to discover time blocks for different activities.

2. Leverage Small Moments

Self-care doesn’t always need large chunks of time. Infuse it into small moments: a 10-minute meditation while the baby naps, a few minutes of deep breathing before bed, or a hot cup of coffee in peace. These small intervals add up.

3. Incorporate Self-Care into Your Routine

Instead of seeing self-care as separate, weave it into existing routines. While feeding the baby or waiting during school pick-ups, listen to a podcast or audiobook that inspires or relaxes you.

4. Set Boundaries and Learn to Say No

Learn to say no to social obligations, family expectations, or self-imposed goals that don’t align with your wellbeing. Protect your time with regular “no plans” days or by declining requests that interfere with self-care.