I became a mum at 40. Nobody warned me maternity leave would be this complicated.

The maternity leave I’d imagined

Before Cyrus arrived, I had a lovely picture of maternity leave. There would be leisurely walks, coffee dates, baby groups and plenty of time to enjoy the little person I’d waited until 40 to meet. I knew there would be sleepless nights, nappies and the occasional domestic disaster, but I assumed life would slow down for a while.

It didn’t take long to discover that babies have their own ideas about schedules. Some days, getting dressed before lunchtime felt like an achievement. A hot cup of coffee became something of a luxury, and leaving the house involved enough equipment to suggest we were embarking on a small expedition.

But I loved being at home with Cyrus. After years of working, having that time together felt precious. I was getting to know him, watching his personality emerge and discovering a version of myself I hadn’t known before.

What I hadn’t anticipated was how much practical planning would occupy those months, particularly as the prospect of returning to work drew closer.

Between caring for a newborn, finding childcare and keeping the household running, I was beginning to realise that time away from paid work didn’t necessarily mean having time to spare.

The financial reality of maternity leave

Maternity pay was something I’d understood in principle but hadn’t fully appreciated until I was living on it. Like many families, we had to think more carefully about household spending, particularly with all the additional expenses that come with having a baby.

There are prams, car seats, clothes that fit for approximately five minutes and an impressive assortment of things you’re told you absolutely cannot manage without. I was grateful to have time at home with Cyrus, but the financial side of maternity leave required adjustment. We had household expenses to meet, and I knew that returning to work would eventually become part of our family routine.

It wasn’t something I wanted to spend every waking moment worrying about, but becoming a parent doesn’t make the bills disappear. If anything, it introduces a few more.

Finding a nursery was a full-time job

Then came the nursery search. I approached finding childcare with the determination of someone conducting a particularly important research project. I made enquiries, considered different settings and tried to work out where Cyrus would be happiest.

After all, this wasn’t just about finding somewhere convenient. I was choosing the people who would care for my son while I was at work, and that felt like an enormous decision.

What surprised me most was how early some parents began arranging nursery places. I discovered that families could be making enquiries before their babies were even born. Clearly, I’d missed that particular chapter of the parenting handbook.

There were waiting lists, availability to consider and also the very small matter of finding somewhere that felt right. I wanted Cyrus to be safe, happy and also well cared for, but I also needed arrangements that would work for us as a family.

When we finally secured a place, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I also felt emotional about the prospect of leaving him there. It was the first of many occasions when I realised that making a practical decision as a parent doesn’t necessarily make the emotional side any easier.

The unexpected reminder that work was waiting

About halfway through my maternity leave, I received an unexpected telephone call from work. Until then, my days had revolved around Cyrus and the unfamiliar routines of early motherhood. The call brought my professional life back into focus and reminded me that the working world was continuing while I was away.

It prompted me to think more seriously about returning, particularly how I would manage childcare and settle back into a working routine after spending so much time at home.

I’d spent years developing my career, and I still valued that part of my life. But I was also enjoying the time I had with Cyrus, knowing that these early months were passing rather quickly. I began wondering how I’d feel when the time came to return. Would I settle back into my old routine? Would I miss Cyrus terribly? And how would I manage the practicalities of working life alongside being a mother?

The call itself was only one moment during maternity leave, but it brought some of those questions into sharper focus.

Because apparently having a baby wasn’t enough, we moved house

As if having a baby and arranging childcare weren’t enough, we also moved house during that first year.

Moving home is hardly famous for being relaxing. Add a baby to the equation and suddenly every ordinary task becomes more complicated. There are boxes to pack, arrangements to make and endless bits of paperwork, all fitted around feeding times, naps and the daily business of looking after a small child.

I had imagined maternity leave as a chance to establish a comfortable routine. Instead, we were adapting to parenthood while making some fairly significant changes to our home life.

Looking back, I can see just how much was happening at once. We were finding our feet as parents, organising our home and preparing for the next stage of family life.

There were lovely moments throughout it all, but there were also days when I would have appreciated a little less activity and a considerably longer cup of coffee.

The guilt nobody prepares you for

As my return to work approached, I began experiencing feelings I hadn’t expected to find quite so difficult.

I worried about leaving Cyrus at nursery. Would he settle? Would he be happy? Would he miss me? I’d spent so much time with him that the thought of handing over part of his daily care felt strange.

At the same time, there was a part of me that looked forward to returning to work. I missed conversations that weren’t entirely about babies. I missed the familiar rhythm of working life and the satisfaction of using skills I’d developed over many years. I missed having responsibilities that belonged to me as an individual, rather than exclusively as a mother.

Then I felt guilty for looking forward to it.

It’s an odd thing, motherhood. You can spend months preparing to return to work, knowing it’s the right decision for your family, and still find yourself questioning how you feel about it.

I loved being Cyrus’s mum. I also enjoyed having a career. It took me a little while to appreciate that I didn’t have to choose one feeling over the other.

I was learning how to make room for motherhood alongside a career, interests and an identity I’d spent decades developing.

Becoming a mother at 40 changed my perspective

Having Cyrus at 40 meant I’d already spent a considerable part of my adult life establishing my own routines, interests and ambitions.

I’d worked for years, enjoyed my independence and become accustomed to making decisions largely around my own circumstances. Motherhood introduced another person whose needs quite rightly became central to our family life.

That didn’t mean I suddenly stopped caring about the things that had mattered to me before. I still enjoyed working, writing, spending time with friends and having the occasional moment to myself.

But I was learning how to make room for all those things alongside being a parent.

I don’t believe this experience belongs exclusively to older mothers. Women become parents at different ages and under different circumstances, and there is no single way to experience maternity leave.

For me, becoming a mother at 40 simply meant adjusting a life that had already taken shape over several decades. Some parts changed completely, while others remained reassuringly familiar.

Returning to work meant finding a new routine

When the time came to return to work, the practical arrangements became part of everyday family life.

Mornings required more organisation, nursery collection times became important fixtures in the diary and there was always something to remember. Spare clothes, nappies, bottles and the various bits and pieces that seemed to accompany us everywhere.

I was still interested in my career, but my priorities had expanded. I had a family life that mattered enormously to me, and I wanted to find a way for both parts of my world to work together.

It wasn’t always easy, particularly in the early days when everything still felt relatively new. But gradually, we began finding a routine that suited us.

I also discovered that returning to work didn’t mean leaving motherhood behind. It simply meant learning how to move between different responsibilities throughout the day. And, like most parents, I became rather good at keeping an eye on the clock.

What I wish I’d known before maternity leave

Looking back, I remember those months with enormous affection. I remember the cuddles, the walks, the little milestones and the excitement of watching Cyrus grow.

I also remember the nursery enquiries, the financial calculations, the house move and the uncertainty of preparing for another change in our daily lives.

Maternity leave wasn’t the extended period of calm I’d imagined, but it was an important chapter in our family story.

If there’s one thing I’d tell my younger self, it’s that having mixed feelings about returning to work is perfectly reasonable. You can enjoy your career and miss your baby. You can treasure maternity leave and still look forward to adult conversation. You can be grateful for the time at home while occasionally wishing someone else would take responsibility for the washing.

Becoming a mother didn’t mean I stopped being the woman I’d been before Cyrus arrived. It meant discovering how those different parts of my life could fit together.

And while I never quite mastered the art of leaving the house without forgetting something, we managed well enough. Although I still maintain that getting a baby ready for nursery deserves to count as a qualification in project management.

Did maternity leave turn out the way you expected?

Did you look forward to returning to work after maternity leave, or did you find the prospect difficult? What surprised you most about those first months of motherhood? I’d love to hear how other parents managed the transition, particularly those who became mothers later in life.

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