When did spending time together become such a luxury?
There was a time when H and I could decide to go out for lunch without consulting a calendar, arranging childcare or calculating how many hours we had before someone needed collecting. We could walk around Newcastle, stop for coffee and spend an afternoon doing very little. We didn’t appreciate quite how much freedom we had, although I suspect most couples don’t until children arrive.
We became parents at 40, and ageing parents, work commitments and the everyday business of running a household, and a few hours together suddenly takes more planning than a fortnight abroad. I sometimes wonder how we managed to fill our time before parenthood, when weekends stretched ahead of us and the biggest decision was whether to go out for dinner or stay in with a takeaway.
We’re part of what’s commonly called the sandwich generation, although I’ve never thought the name does justice to the amount of responsibility involved. You’re raising a child while worrying about older relatives, trying to do your job properly and somehow finding time to look after yourself. Your relationship can become another thing you assume will manage perfectly well until you’ve got a spare moment, except those spare moments have a habit of disappearing beneath school commitments, family appointments and the washing.
Most days, H and I spend more time discussing logistics than anything particularly interesting. Who’s collecting Cyrus? Have we remembered the appointment? What’s happening at the weekend? So when we found ourselves with a weekday together, after the nursery drop-off and before the afternoon collection, we decided to make the most of it. There was washing to do, food to buy and a collection of household jobs waiting at home, but none of them was going anywhere.
For once, the washing, the shopping and the household jobs could wait.
A morning at David Lloyd Newcastle without a single squat
Our first stop was David Lloyd Newcastle, somewhere we usually associate with exercise, sweat and the occasional internal argument about whether we really need another ten minutes on the treadmill. I’m a gym enthusiast, and normally I can’t walk into a health club without feeling obliged to do something productive. There’s always another class to try, another set of weights to lift or a fitness goal quietly nagging away in the back of my mind. H is much the same, although he’s rather better at making relaxation look like a perfectly legitimate use of his time.
This time, however, we’d agreed to leave the exercise alone. No squats, no spin bikes and absolutely no discussion about how many calories we’d burned. We headed straight for the sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi, where the most demanding activity involved deciding when to move from one to the other. It was a welcome change from our usual visits, when I’m generally rushing between classes or trying to squeeze in a workout before the next family commitment.
It was wonderful to have a conversation without keeping half an ear open for a child calling from another room. We talked about things that had nothing to do with school, work or what needed doing at home. I can’t remember every subject we covered, which probably says something about how relaxed I was. We stayed longer than we usually would, enjoying the warmth and the chance to sit still. I even managed to stop mentally compiling a shopping list, although I suspect I briefly wondered what we were having for tea.
By the time we left, I felt rested and pleasantly removed from the usual morning rush. I’m so accustomed to treating a visit to the gym as an opportunity to improve my fitness that I’d almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to use the facilities without having to achieve anything. I love a good workout, but there’s something equally satisfying about leaving the gym without aching muscles or an overwhelming desire to sit down. After all that relaxation, however, we were hungry, and lunch was next on the agenda.
Lunch at STACK Newcastle, without having to share
STACK Newcastle had been on our list of places to visit for months. We’d talked about going, looked at photographs and made vague promises to pop in one weekend. But weekends with a young child tend to develop their own agenda, and a leisurely lunch chosen entirely by the adults rarely features. More often, we’re looking for somewhere that serves food quickly, has a suitable children’s menu and won’t object if someone suddenly decides they’ve had enough of sitting down.
We headed into Newcastle city centre and made our way to STACK on Pilgrim Street, where the collection of food outlets, bars and communal seating offers something rather different from a traditional restaurant. I like places where you can wander around, look at the menus and see what’s cooking before deciding what you fancy. There’s something appealing about the noise, the smell of food and the sight of people enjoying themselves in the middle of an ordinary working day, particularly when you would normally be sitting at a desk.
It was also rather nice not having to consider whether there was something suitable for a small child, whether we’d need to negotiate over vegetables or whether anyone would demand a portion of my lunch. We headed upstairs to Boojie Burger, a name that sounds as though it ought to come with a big price tag and artisan buns. Fortunately, the menu looked more approachable, and the smell coming from the kitchen suggested we’d made a good choice.
Boojie Burger puts a German twist on a Newcastle lunch
Boojie Burger had the casual, slightly industrial appearance that suits STACK. Neon signage, an open kitchen and the smell of burgers cooking made it an inviting place to stop. We weren’t looking for fine dining, just something tasty that we could enjoy without having to rush. The menu highlighted ingredients including Northumberland beef, outdoor-reared pork and bread baked fresh daily, which immediately caught my attention. I like seeing local produce given prominence, particularly in something as familiar as a burger, although I’m more interested in how the finished food tastes than how impressive the menu sounds.
We chose the Munich Munchies offer, which, at the time of our visit, included two Angus beef burgers and a portion of cheese and beer croquettes for less than £20. Given what two people can spend on a fairly ordinary lunch, I thought that represented good value. The promotion also included automatic entry into a Lufthansa competition to win flights to Munich. I wasn’t especially optimistic about our chances, but the possibility of a trip to Germany was a pleasant addition to the meal, even if I was more interested in what was arriving from the kitchen.
H takes his burgers seriously. He’s not someone who becomes terribly animated about food unless there’s a good reason, so I was interested to see what he made of the German-inspired combination of tangy mustard and sauerkraut. He was impressed. The mustard added a sharpness that cut through the richness of the beef, while the sauerkraut gave the burger a distinctive flavour without overwhelming it. It was a welcome change from the usual lettuce, tomato and cheese combination, and one that worked particularly well with the Angus beef.
The croquettes were probably my favourite part of the meal. I have a weakness for anything involving melted cheese and a crisp coating, and these were exactly the sort of thing I’d order again. Golden on the outside and soft in the middle, they were rich, satisfying and very easy to finish. I spend enough time thinking about protein, exercise and nutrition during the week, and occasionally it’s nice to eat something because you fancy it, without turning lunch into a discussion about whether you’ve earned it. Besides, after a morning spent doing absolutely no exercise, I wasn’t about to start calculating the nutritional value of a cheese croquette.
Friendly service and not having to rush
One of the things I notice when eating out is how staff treat customers, particularly in busy, informal venues where service can sometimes feel like an afterthought. Connor, who looked after us, was friendly and approachable, and helped make the experience an enjoyable one. Good service doesn’t need to involve elaborate introductions or someone appearing every three minutes to ask whether everything is all right. Sometimes, being welcoming, helpful and allowing people to enjoy their food is quite enough, especially when you’ve deliberately gone out for a relaxed lunch.
The atmosphere at STACK was easy-going, with enough activity around us to make the place feel lively without becoming overwhelming. It struck me as somewhere you could meet friends, take a break from shopping or enjoy a casual lunch without feeling obliged to dress up. For us, though, the best part was having the time to enjoy it. We could finish a conversation, eat while the food was still warm and sit for a few minutes afterwards without someone announcing an urgent need for the toilet. Anyone who’s eaten out with a young child will appreciate the novelty, particularly when you’re accustomed to finishing your own meal while simultaneously supervising someone else’s.
A little post-date pampering, courtesy of the British weather
By the time we made it home, Newcastle’s weather had reminded me that a morning in the steam room doesn’t guarantee a good hair day. My hair had gone from reasonably presentable to something resembling an abandoned bird’s nest. The rain had done its work, and the combination of damp air and my increasingly temperamental midlife hair meant I was ready to give it some attention. I sometimes think my hair has developed a personality of its own in recent years, and unfortunately, it isn’t always one I particularly like.
I’ve become much more conscious of changes to my hair as I’ve got older. Perimenopause seems to have brought its own collection of surprises, and dryness is one of those irritations that can make getting ready in the morning more complicated than it ought to be. Hair that once behaved reasonably well can suddenly become difficult to manage, and products that worked perfectly a few years ago don’t always seem to have the same effect. It’s hardly the greatest problem facing women in midlife, but it can be frustrating when you’re already juggling everything else.
I decided to extend the day’s pampering at home with the cel. Microstem Thickening Mask, a gifted product I’d been trying as part of my haircare routine. The formula contains ingredients including ginseng and keratin, although I’m more interested in how a product performs than how impressive the ingredient list sounds. The first thing I noticed was the fragrance, which I liked immediately, and I enjoyed taking a little extra time over something I’d usually rush through between other jobs.
I worked the mask through my hair and gave myself a few more minutes in the bathroom without having to answer questions about where something was or what we were doing next. I enjoyed using it, although I wouldn’t pretend that one application could transform the thickness of my hair or reverse the changes that come with age. I’m increasingly sceptical of beauty products that promise dramatic results, particularly when they’re marketed to women who are already being told that every visible sign of ageing needs correcting.
I think we need to be more sensible about the promises surrounding beauty products, particularly those aimed at women in midlife. Hair can change for all sorts of reasons, including hormonal fluctuations, and a conditioning treatment shouldn’t be confused with a medical solution to hair loss or thinning. For me, the mask was an enjoyable addition to my routine, and the fragrance made the experience feel a little more indulgent. It was a pleasant way to finish a day that had involved considerably less rushing around than usual, and sometimes that’s reason enough to enjoy a product.
Why a simple date day matters more in midlife
Looking back, there was nothing extraordinary about our day. We went to the gym, sat in the sauna, ate burgers and came home. Hardly the sort of itinerary that would inspire a luxury travel supplement, but we’d spent time together without constantly thinking about what needed doing next, and that doesn’t happen nearly as often as I’d like. We didn’t need an expensive hotel, a romantic weekend away or an elaborate plan. We just needed a few hours when we weren’t responsible for organising everyone else’s lives.
When you’re younger, you imagine that keeping a relationship alive involves romantic weekends, surprise trips and grand gestures. Perhaps those things are lovely, but they aren’t always realistic when you’re raising children, managing work and trying to keep up with family responsibilities. I think couples can become so efficient at running a household that they forget to spend time together for no particular reason. You discuss bills, appointments, childcare and who’s collecting what from where. You make decisions, solve problems and divide up responsibilities, but the ordinary pleasure of enjoying each other’s company can quietly slip away.
In midlife, you’re dealing with changes to your health, your body and sometimes your priorities, while the people around you continue to need your attention. There isn’t always much left at the end of the day, particularly when you’ve spent most of it making sure everyone else is all right. I also think we’re too quick to turn every enjoyable activity into an exercise in self-improvement. A day off becomes a wellbeing intervention, a walk becomes a step-counting exercise, and even sitting quietly seems to require an explanation about reducing stress.
Sometimes, I just want to enjoy myself without having to justify it. I don’t need every outing to improve my fitness, strengthen my mental health or contribute to some ambitious plan for becoming a better version of myself. An afternoon with H is worth having because I enjoy his company, because we still make each other laugh and because it’s good to remember that we were a couple long before we became parents. Even if he does occasionally leave his socks on the bedroom floor.
Would we go back to Boojie Burger?
Boojie Burger was a good choice for our rare weekday lunch. The Munich Munchies offer represented excellent value at the price we paid, the German-inspired flavours gave the burgers something a little different, and the cheese and beer croquettes were particularly enjoyable. The friendly service from Connor and the relaxed atmosphere at STACK made it an easy place to spend time together. It isn’t somewhere I’d choose for an intimate, candlelit anniversary dinner, but for a casual date, a quick lunch or a catch-up with friends, it certainly deserves consideration.
I’d happily return, although next time I might investigate more of the food options at STACK before making my decision. That’s half the pleasure of somewhere with so much choice, particularly when you have the time to look around rather than heading straight for the first place that can feed a hungry child. As for the rest of our day, the sauna, steam room and a little pampering at home were welcome reminders that looking after ourselves doesn’t always have to involve another gym session or an ambitious wellbeing routine.
We returned to ordinary family life soon enough, with the usual jobs waiting and nursery collection bringing our brief spell of freedom to an end. By teatime, we were back to discussing what needed doing tomorrow, what was happening at the weekend and whether we’d remembered everything for the following day. Nothing had changed dramatically, but we’d had a laugh, eaten something delicious and enjoyed several hours together without having to organise anyone else’s life. I’m beginning to think we should make a habit of it.
When was the last time you and your partner managed a proper day together without children, work or household responsibilities getting in the way? Do you make time for regular dates, or do you occasionally realise that your last romantic outing involved a supermarket trolley and a discussion about washing powder?
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