Grief, midlife and finding my way back
Grief does not arrive with a timetable. Mine arrived the day before I was due to start a new job, when my mum died at 65. I did what I suspect many women do. I carried on. I went back to work, answered emails and tried to be useful, while quietly falling apart. It took me rather longer than I care to admit to realise that keeping busy is not the same thing as coping.
When my mum died at 65, the day before I was due to start a new job, life did what life does: it knocked the stuffing out of me.
Flowers arrived. Cards piled up and colleagues offered condolences. I cried, I spiralled and I went numb. Weakness crept in. As someone who lives and breathes words, I did what I always do when life gets complicated. I overthought it, then I over-wrote it. Happiness became a concept I recognised but could not quite reach. My blog went quiet.
I threw myself into work, as if deadlines and emails could somehow outrun grief. Work became my lifeline, which sounds rather noble until you realise it was also a very effective way of avoiding how I actually felt. Of course, emotions have a habit of turning up when you least want them to. Usually when you are trying to behave like a perfectly functioning adult.
Avoidance is a terrible strategy
I should have paused. I should have taken a week off, sat with my feelings and spent time with my family. I should not have let work become my emotional crutch. But I did.
One day off for Mum’s funeral, and then straight back to the office. I told myself productivity was my armour. Looking back, I can see that I was hiding. Stuck. Growing nowhere. The breaking point came at a social gathering when someone handed me a Dummies Guide to Creative Writing. Yes, that really happened. I cried. I shook. I felt as though I had been pushed off a skyscraper and left to tumble.
A small book that punched back
Just when I thought I had nothing left, another book arrived: I AM YOUR FRIEND by Billy Bacall. Billy created it during her own darkest times, after her husband died and she battled cancer. Drawing, writing and creating were her way through it. Somehow, they became mine too.
A reminder I needed
Sometimes the thing that helps us back towards ourselves is not a grand plan. Sometimes it is a book, a sentence, a drawing or one small reminder that we are still here.
Part of the proceeds support the breast cancer charity Future Dreams, but beyond that, the book became a lifeline for me. Its illustrations and words did not simply soothe me, they gave me a nudge. They reminded me that I could stop seeing myself as a victim of what had happened and start thinking about what came next. Happiness was not some mythical place I had permanently missed. Perhaps it was still there, waiting for me to reach for it.
The brutal, beautiful year
The past year has been relentless.
Life has a knack for testing resilience, although I could have done with considerably less testing, thank you very much. I have learned that survival is sometimes victory enough. I have also discovered that exercise is about considerably more than physical health. For me, it has become a form of mental therapy disguised as sweat. My endorphins are finally in charge, and frankly, it is great.
For me, the therapy has been Les Mills Body Combat. Scooter. Throwing punches with every ounce of pent-up frustration I have accumulated along the way. My Achilles tendons may have a different opinion, but there is something deeply satisfying about turning emotional turmoil into movement. There is also something oddly empowering about throwing a right hook at an imaginary assassin when your real-life problems are considerably harder to punch.
Midlife happiness, my way
So, what have I learned? Not that I have somehow cracked the code of midlife. I haven’t. I still have difficult days. I still overthink. I still occasionally wonder whether everyone else received a handbook that somehow failed to arrive at my house. But I have found a few things that help.
The things that help me through
- Read. A good book can be a lifeline. Sometimes it is simply comforting to discover that someone else has survived something that currently feels impossible.
- Move. Dance, punch, spin, walk. Let your body do some of the work when your brain has had quite enough.
- Write. Blog, journal, scribble. Put words on paper. Do not censor yourself. Do not apologise for how you feel.
Why I came back to writing
I have returned to blogging, not because I have all the answers, but because telling my story helps me feel less alone. Perhaps that is why writing matters so much to me. There is something strangely comforting about taking a messy collection of thoughts and turning them into sentences. You cannot always fix what has happened, but you can give it somewhere to go.
And if someone reading those words thinks, Oh, thank goodness, it isn’t just me, then perhaps the story has done something useful.
Midlife is not about getting it right
Midlife is not about perfect bodies, perfect grief or perfect homes. It is about survival. Learning. Starting again. Finding the small wins that make an ordinary day feel a little less ordinary. Sometimes that win is a right hook in Body Combat. Sometimes it is the perfect paragraph. Sometimes it is simply getting through the day and realising that, despite everything, you are still here.
A thought I keep coming back to
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but a well-aimed punch in Body Combat comes a very close second.
Join the conversation:
How have you managed grief while juggling midlife responsibilities? Has movement, writing, reading or simply keeping busy helped you through difficult times? I would love to hear what has helped you.
Discover more from Saffron & Cyrus
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Saffron and Cyrus is a Newcastle-based family lifestyle blog, covering health, wellness, days out, travel, reviews, recipes and more from our family life.
The blog is written by new mum over 40, Saffron, with input from hubby H and son, Little C.
Sounds like your dedicated to this and its making you tougher as well which is a double bonus
I do Les Mills workouts regularly at my gym, usually body combat on Saturdays. I prefer body pump to challenge myself.
I love such posts a lot. Such workout challenges surely work great in favor of your body.
Stick to the challenge at the end the result of this is in your own favor.
Good going girl. Sometimes work outs are the best way to combat stress and give a mental clarity. And working on your body is awesome.
I’ll look into it. Though I try to work out when time allows it, I find it very boring. I have yet to find a work out that will keep me entertained while doing it, it might help me stay motivated for longer.
Well done! I would like to try this “brain is releasing only happiness making endorphins” workout 🙂
I’m excited to see the out come. 🙂
What an amazing challenge! Good luck!
Starting a day with a workout gives to inner and outer strength. thanks for sharing !!
Great going! Your dedication is awesome. Keep at it!
It’s so difficult to keep up with the challenges. You are doing great 🙂
I lost my dad early this year and I couldn’t keep up with anything or anyone. I shot myself out and stayed in for many months thinking about a million different ways I could have saved him or made his passing less painful. I tried getting into a workout routine which is usually my go-to activity to bring myself out of any slump, I couldn’t keep up with a 30-day challenge.
But I am getting better and starting to come out now.
I’m not sure how I would fare with a 100-day challenge as I’m rarely consistent with anything.
Author
Grace, I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s very hard. Everyone is different and exercise helps but doesn’t heal. You just have to do what’s best for you. Take care x
I’ve started my fitness journey recently, and have added some light workout – I feel inspired after reading your post.
Routine is so important and even better when adding exercise to reduce stress.
I shall change to this routine. This sounds like a great challenge tio be healthy and strong
It’s really hard to lose a loved one. The emotions after all is done I think is the most hard to deal with. Glad that you found a great outlet for it all. Stay strong love.